Chance … has a distinct meaning for me. I do not know where I might have been led by the paths that, as I look back, I think I might have taken but that in fact I did not take. What is certain is that I am satisfied with my fate and that I should not want it changed in any way at all. So I look upon these factors that helped me to fulfill it as so many fortunate strokes of chance.
Simone de Beauvoir (January 9, 1908 – April 14, 1986)
I do not know how much control I have over my life, if any at all. I like for some reason to believe I do and sometimes I alude to the belief that I do, but in truth I confess, I do not. I listen for instructions on how to operate in this existence. Everyone has their opinions. My mom (her death has not hindered her influence), the river, the mountain, the trees. I lead with my heart more often than my mind, but he always has a say. It has not been easy being someone who feels deeply. It has been the burden and gift of my life. I would not change being me.
Looking back, everything seems perfectly laid out. The map is perfectly imprinted with every detail. I was born here at this point on April 17, 1948. It was a Saturday. Mom’s water broke so she arranged to meet her sister, my Aunt Florence a nurse, at the hospital before my Aunt’s shift started at midnight. That moment is there. Birth. I see the moment I gave my virginity to Robin W. at our home while my mother was at Bingo. She was experienced. I was not. That moment, however short, is here. There is also this moment labeled Heart Attack, December 28, 2016 and September 16, 2019. Afterwards and in between there are markings of moments, the chance experiences of my life. Those chance encounters which guided my being on this planet.
I like to think my choices are responsible for where I am on the map of my life today, but chance has played a greater role. It swept me to safety when my life could had been completely changed by a decision gone array. It was chance that told me to “Come back here,” and led to an expansion of my being in the world. It was chance which presented me with the options of my life. I know. I like to think I made the decision to go left or right, but in hindsight I see it was chance guiding me all along. Not taking complete control or directing like fate is known to do, but just gently guiding me along this roadmap through my life.
So chance becomes not random as one may think. It is a supportive part of one’s existence. It is at least in my being and I am grateful for her presence.
Strokes Of Chance — Guayacáns In Bloom